she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
