And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
