i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
