i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
bring money and cleavage
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
