A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Holy sore nipples Batman
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
