just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
