How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
