I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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