To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
