so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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