either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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