One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
