Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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