No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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