She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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