Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Are we still banned from the library?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
