I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sorry my hands just texted you
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
