its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
