3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
