I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
