i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
