I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
