My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
