wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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