good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
