I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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