Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
