From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
