every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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