Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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