just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
