my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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