shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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