I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just pee around me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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