i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
