I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
