Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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