I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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