I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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