If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
