I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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