you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
