I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We left an ass print on the piano.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
