Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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