Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
