Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He passed out mid-signature
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
