Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
