we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
