We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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