i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
