So drunk its hurt
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
