I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
