Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
