didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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