I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
